Entries for May, 2004

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i've heard so much about this blog thing i guess months ago (that was about January) but it really didn't interest me.. it was just now that i feel like expressing my feelings but to my frustration, no one's there to listen..hahaha...

well, its kinda different when you live in a world where you got tons & tons of friends but you can't be with just one, in times of trouble & grief..

it's my first time to try this thing & i'm not ashamed to tell the world.. so much for this gibberish stuff!!

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{ music } Happy (by: Alexia)
{ book } Trigonometry et. al
{ mood } accomplished

Posted by ruseMe

want to speak?

just wanna give special thanks to xfactor_03 (Mary Helen Labao a.ka. Sheng) for sharing this blog site to me..

also, to nikka (Ma. Veronica M. Panganiban) for sharing her "contents" to me.. it encouraged me to make my own digital diary.. he3.. (are my terms right?!)

hope y'all enjoy reading my blogs..

Posted by ruseMe

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i haven't told anyone about my blog site yet.. no, not yet.. i feel like its not yet nice enough to share.. lolz (just kidding)..

i'm kinda excited to write & post as many entries as i could but time restricts me to do so.. i have been very busy this past few days & in fact, i have barely time for myself.. i feel like as if im having a race with time everyday.. so little time, so much to do & have no one to spend my time with.. (as Arkarna's song goes: "So little time so much to do, I wanna spend my days with you. So little time so much to do, I'd like to spend one day with you. And if that day is not enough, maybe we can stay in touch, but I'm not making plans for tomorrow, for tomorrow never comes.")..aww, i wish there's someone i could spend a day with..hahaha..lolz.. here i go again with my none sense lamentations..

im kinda loaded with lots of stuff to do this week.. got exams to take.. businesses to take care of.. people to meet.. appointments to attend to.. whew!!! wish i could accomplish all of them.. (with God's help).. til then.. Carpe Diem!!

Posted by ruseMe

want to speak?

its been 4 days since i last had my entry here... it should have been better if i can make entries everyday but due to some time constraints, i wasn't able to do so..

i had a very busy week.. i had lots of appointments & i really had a hard time prioritizing things & figuring out what to do first.. i even had to cancel out some appointments just to finish the others..



last night, i attended a dinner-dance party at church.. it was really cool.. i had lots of fun.. it was a long time since i last did that & i really missed it.. there were lots of guys who danced with me (all were my friends) & really had tons of fun.. the dinner was really satisfying & i realized that i needed those kinds of relaxation.. for a while, it made me forget the busy life i had.. my frustrations & my heart aches.. it made me realize that i still have a good life ahead of me in spite of what had happened to me.. (wana know what really happened to me?!)

{ mood } depressed

Posted by ruseMe

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just got home from the precinct where I casted my vote.. it was my first time & I felt proud cuz I was able to exercise my right to vote.. my sister & I had a hard time looking for our names & we even feared that our names were not included in the list.. it didn’t take long before we found our names in a small booth outside the school.. some volunteers (really huh? !) helped us… the national elections was indeed a big deal to most people & I had to admit that I’m one of those people..

Posted by ruseMe

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everything in my life is a complete fiasco.. weird but true.. i have lots of things going on in my mind but right now.. as in right now, im just gonna keep them to myself.. felt so tired.. felt like i've exhausted myself too much.. i don't want to sound so pessimistic.. i still see light.. but it's just too far.. far for me to reach.. far for me to grab.. better rest now.. i need that most, these days..

sorry guys, (& gals) for this twaddle.. i just feel so tired & weak.. i guess DEPRESSED would be the pefect term..

til next time.. Carpe Diem!!

{ music } You Gotta Be by Desree
{ mood } aggravated

Posted by ruseMe

want to speak?

*****
To see the angel in the malady requires an eye for the invisible, a certain blinding of one eye and an opening of the other to elsewhere.
(James Hillman, The Soul's Code)
*****


*****
“A life without love is no life at all.”
-Ever After
*****


I’m sittin’ all alone in front of my PC (listening to some songs..One More Try by A1) and all I can do was think & wonder why some things had to go the way I least expect it to be.. it was exactly 20 days ago when things started to be different.. it was difficult.. but I realized that I had to move on.. there’s still life ahead of me.. I tried to be as busy as possible so that I won’t have to entertain thoughts like that.. it was difficult.. battling with myself.. my feelings.. my emotions.. my thoughts.. I tried to appear & act normal.. (twas as if nothing happened at all).. but I couldn’t.. I just can’t.. I never thought I would ever find myself in this kind situation… but hey, I did.. (look at where I am right now?!)..

the tears?! Tears that I have been trying to hold back for the past few days can no longer tarry in my eyes… they had to go.. they had to fall.. & they did… I couldn’t help it.. try as I may not to reminisce and think of the good old days, the more they keep on haunting me.. I tried to look for the happiness I lost but to no avail.. there’s just nothing compared to that.. but what can I do?! Cry over the spilled milk & try to put it back my glass?! No, no, no.. I wouldn’t do that.. that’s the most ridiculous thing I could have done.. but then again, the question comes again, now what?! [remember Finding Nemo?!..he3..] I don’t know.. I still see hope in my life.. I just couldn’t stop now.. now that I have already seen the light in the far end, I just can’t stop.. I know I can make it through one more day.. but how?! I just don’t know..

I had to admit.. I miss him.. I miss him a lot.. I miss him more than I ever thought I could.. but missing him makes me more miserable.. my doubts, my insecurities, my fears, my frustrations settles in more quickly than I had imagined… twas as if I’m bound by my own weaknesses… he was my strength.. my inspiration.. my joy.. but he was gone.. he was gone & lost forever.. he would never come back.. he never will.. & here I am.. feeling sorry for myself.. asking “why”, “what have I done” & telling myself “if only”..

Some of my friends said I look ok.. I look alright.. I look strong.. they just don’t know.. they just can’t see that behind all of those smiles & laughter, a defeated soul lies.. a soul weakened by heartaches & discouraged by misery… I was camouflaging myself in front of them so that they won’t notice how vulnerable I am.. but if they can only see right through me, they would see how I’m deeply hurt.. how tormented I was.. I never asked for this feeling.. I never thought I would even fall but I did!! I can’t blame anyone.. as much as I want to hold someone responsible for this.. I just couldn’t.. I wish I could but I couldn’t..

But, in spite of all the bitter facts in my life, I’m not yet losing hope.. I know that there’s Someone up there who would never stop loving me no matter how many mistakes I make.. no matter how bad I’ve been.. no matter how miserable I made my life, He is still there as long as I do what He wants me to do.. I’m thankful I got Him in my life.. I’m glad He sent someone like him (“_ _ _”) to help me learn the sad realities of life (that I thought never existed).. I fell, I stumbled, but I’m not gonna stay in that state for the rest of my life.. I can stand up & rise once again.. I can & I will..

*****
“Love may leave your heart like a shattered glass but you should keep in mind that there’s someone who will be willing to endure the pain of picking up the broken pieces of the glass so you could be whole again.”
*****

*****
“Even if there is pain now
Everything will be alright
For as long as the world still turns
There will be night and day
Can you hear me
There's a rainbow always after the rain.”
Rainbow (by South Border)
*****

{ music } Just Once (by James Ingram)
{ mood } tormented & torn apart

Posted by ruseMe

want to speak?

*****
Angels have more meaning than just as characters in stories from the distant past. In fact, they are members of a cast who make appearances in our lives every single day.
*****

*****
“Truth doesn’t make friends. But it usually influence people.”
-Batty Koba (Fern Gully 1)
*****

for the past few days, I was able to unwind & loosen up the grip on my busy schedule.. imagine having to wake up at around 4:30-5am everyday so that before 6am, I’m already on the road & off to school.. after class at around 12noon, I would rush off to POEA where I’m having a part time job at my Uncle’s office.. and then at around 6pm, I would have to go to Greenhills to attend to lectures & seminars for a new business opportunity.. I would reach home at around 10:30-11pm, where I would just eat a little (sometimes, not at all), do some hygienic routines, study some lessons & then off to bed.. whew!! It was really tiring but somehow, I can still manage.. it was really difficult to keep myself busy in order for me to forget the bitter reality that encompass my life right now.. I had to enjoy my life or else I would just be sulking over the wasted time..

anyways, as I was saying, I did had time to slacken off my hectic schedule.. last May 6,7 & 8, our stake (at church) held a Youth Conference & it really was of good help to me.. I missed the 1st day (some of my church friends texted me & asked me why I didn’t attend) but I didn’t feel sorry for myself.. I had a good time watching movies with my group mates in EnviSci 1 (thanks to Dr. Myint & Dean Azanza for the term paper project..he3..).. I had lots of bonding time with Joy (a BA Psych freshie) & the rest of the group (Blossom, Razel, Eileen & James).. we were in the process of making our term paper with the topic: Environmental Awareness in the Art of Film Making.. we decided to watch films aimed to promote Environmental Awareness among the viewers… we stayed in Eileen’s place (a very cozy one) at Acropolis.. we watched “Bug’s Life” & “Finding Nemo” & I found myself amused by the mere fact that I heard myself laughing again.. it was good.. it was really good.. I haven’t had a good laugh for quite some time now & I’m so glad I did.. although I watched those films before, I did had fun.. while watching, we ate a hearty meal, a factor that I think added to my pleasure.. we ordered pizzas from Pizza Hut (yumyum…my favorite) and Baked Mac.. (yumyum..my mouth’s watering now..he3..lolz).. I came home late that night (May 6, Thurs.) but it was worth it..

I woke up early the following day but I wasn’t able to attend my 7am class because I wasn’t feeling well.. I guess I was over fatigued by last night’s & the previous nights’ activities.. aside from that, I helped my mom prepare her lessons for the Youth Con cuz she was busy handling her catering business.. I was 30 mins. late for my 10am class and lucky for me, Dr. Myint dismissed the class early to give way for the class to do the term paper due on the 17th.. my group mates & I decided to eat lunch together & I really appreciated that decision cuz for 2 consecutive days, I was able to eat lunch with someone.. & this time, it isn’t just one but 3 smart, sophisticated & will-powered girls.. we ate at World Topps in Katipunan & the food was worth waiting.. we enjoyed each other’s company (I guess, that’s what I can see & feel..he3..).. I was so excited to go home that afternoon cuz I was I promised my mom that I would attend the Youth Con & help with the catering and other stuff.. one more thing, tonight’s the “Standard’s Night” .. a dinner-dance kinda similar to that of JS Proms.. but different in a way that standards of the church are applied.. It was a night of my life that I really enjoyed.. although it brought some memories back, I just couldn’t help feeling happy.. being able to dance with some girl & guy friends made me stop & think about how lucky I am to be able to live.. to live and enjoy life in spite of my downfalls & miseries.. life isn’t that bad after all..

Gotcha!! Life has got me hooked!! I may have lost one special person but there’s still tons of more special & better ones left!! It’s just a matter of locating them & appreciating them for being a part of my life.. to all my friends out there (you know who you are..), thanks ha!! You think you got me ha?! Well, you all did.. just kip on rockin’ guys!! hahaha..=)

*****
In the course of love, people must teach their hearts to be brave - brave enough to hold on when things go wrong and brave enough to let go when they realize that things are not meant to be after all.
*****

*****
“I'm wiser now. I'm not the foolish girl you used to know. So long ago. I'm stronger now.
I've learned from my mistakes which way to go. And I should know.
-Try It On My Own (Whitney Houston)
*****

{ music } “All I Have” by J.Lo & LL Cool J
{ mood } thankful

Posted by ruseMe

want to speak?

*****
An angel is someone you feel like you've known forever...
even though you've just met.
(Anonymous )
*****

*****
Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most.
--Sandra Bullock (Hope Floats)
*****

->>I felt good doing this.. it was a big help.. it was a big relief on my part..

I was able to express what I feel inside without fearing that I might offend someone or that sort.. i should have done this a long time ago when I still have lots of idle time lying around.. tomorrow would be another day & the next day & the next & the next & it’ll go on without me noticing that I have gone through another busy day & I have lived my life the way the Lord want me to do so..

it was comforting to know that there’s always dawn after a dreadful night.. a ray of light after a dark tunnel.. a rainbow after the rain..

*****
I thank the heavens; I thank the Gods; I thank them all with all my heart, for all the blessings and this is true… I thank them more for knowing you.
*****

*****
"I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again on my own
And I know that I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day and I make it through the rain"
--Through the Rain (by: Mariah Carey)
*****

{ music } Just Another (Dawson's Creek OST)

Posted by ruseMe

want to speak?

*****
There is, therefore, a more perfect intellectual life in the angels. In them the intellect does not proceed to self-knowledge from anything exterior, but knows itself through itself.
(St. Thomas Aquinas)
*****

*****
"The past can hurt. You can either ran from it or learn from it."
- Nala - (The Lion King)
*****

->>Hallo, everyone!! Just arrived home from school.. for the information of those uninformed (he3..) I’m having classes this summer for advance credits.. I still have 3 more years to go before I graduate.. (hopefully it’ll only be 3 more years.. I don’t want to stay any longer cuz I still have lots of plans for the future)

today’s pretty okay.. I wasn’t that late for my 7am class (because I usually arrive late.. he3..) and I didn’t have a hard time understanding the lesson.. today was our last formal class with Dr. Tin Htun Myint.. he wasn’t the energetic & enthusiastic type but he knows how to get the class of 42 people listen to him when he talks.. I had to admit that for the 1st 3-4 meetings, I got bored & I had to eat candies just to stay awake.. but the succeeding meetings were no longer that dull & I did had a nice time listening to him.. I even watch out for some of his pronunciations.. they were so cute.. hahaha.. I mean, I thought I heard him say “guest” but he was in fact referring to “gas”.. it was so cool.. it’s not that I’m being mean or cruel on him.. but I just appreciate the way he speak.. he was exerting effort & it was worth it….i’ll miss Sir for sure.. (I love to imitate the way he speak but it’s not an insult.. it’s actually a complement.. ) today was such a fine day.. everything was going on just fine.. just as expected.. & I’m happy that things are running smoothly..(guess, that’s the way it should be.. )

I’m no longer feeling blue.. no longer feeling depressed although the pain still lingers…I’m making it through another day.. & if I can make through this day, I know I can make through another & another & another..

“Every little bit makes a big difference”.. a bit of good company.. a bit of food.. a bit of laughter... a bit of everything makes my life worth living.. although the good things in life come bit by bit, they all add up.. fires don’t start big.. they usually start from a spark.. that’s how beautiful life is.. a little bit can go a long way.. enjoy the little bits of hope that life brings.. Carpe Diem!!

*****
We oftentimes don’t see the reason why we don’t always get what we want, but at the end of it, we realize that what we wanted wasn’t meant for us after all.
*****

*****
"I'm a little bit of crazy. I'm a little bit of a fool. I’m a little bit of lonely
I'm a little bit of all. Oh, I need a cure, Just a little bit of you. And I will fall.. "
- A Little Bit- (M.y.m.p.)
*****

{ music } Through the Rain (Mariah Carey)
{ mood } contemplative

Posted by ruseMe

want to speak?

*****
We've never had to look far to find our angels. Angels have never really been out of reach. We can always discover angels from the inside-out, because it is the angel inside us who can point the way to all our other angels.
*****

*****
"I'd rather die tomorrow, than live a hundred years without knowing you."
-Capt. John Smith- (Pocahontas)
*****


->>wing-gap-o means hello.. I’m not pretty sure what language it was but I got it from Pocahontas.. I just got home from school.. I wasn’t able to go home last night & I had to stay at Eileen’s place cuz we finished our movie marathon at around 11pm.. we watched 4 films (Free Willy, Pocahontas, Fern Gully & Lion King) yesterday which were all for our term paper project in Envi Sci.. I just felt that I’m in the mood to write today (although I have an 11am appointment at school today.. I have to go back to school..) & so I did.. I’m just proud to tell everyone that I am really learning.. learning a lot of new things about the world around me & the world inside of me.. it feels good but it’s a feeling that I really can’t explain.. all I know is that there’s a serene feeling deep inside me & I’m glad to have it.. I’m happy I feel this way.. How long would this feeling of tranquility be with me?! I don’t know.. I’m just thankful I feel it at this moment..

*****
"Heartbreaks will last as long as you want, cut as deep as you want them to go. The challenge is not how to survive this heart breaks but to learn from them."
*****


*****
"I guess I found my way, it's simple when it's right. Feeling lucky just to be here tonight, and happy just to be me and be alive."
-Alive- (Jennifer Lopez)
*****

{ music } Ironic (Alanis Morisette)
{ mood } peaceful & pleased

Posted by ruseMe

2 who spoke

*****
Every man contemplates an angel in his future self.
(Ralph Waldo Emerson, The Journals of Ralph Waldo)
*****

*****
“It's like the wind, I can't see it, but I can feel it.”
-A Walk to Remember
*****

 After a mind-draining exam in Math, I headed straight to the UP-ISSI (Institute for Small-Scale Industries) building to meet with my sister.. incoming freshmen are scheduled for enrollment & other orientations this week.. I had to admit that I can already feel the weight of the people coming in and out of the campus.. it’s not that I’m not used to seeing a lot of people around.. it’s just that I feel that the campus is getting so crowded with many confused & excited faces around..he3… (I’m wondering how I looked like when I was in their place.. hahaha…wonder what the upperclassmen thought of me then) my sister’s an incoming freshman in the BA Theater Arts program & I am proud of her..

anyways, being so unlucky today, my sister got hooked up in a traffic jam..(that was she said) & I had to roam around the whole building with lots of freshies (most with their parents..he3..) rushing in & out of the building, just to kill time.. I tried reviewing my notes for future exams but I lost my concentration mainly because I was distracted by the crowd & the humidity of the air (connection?!..hahaha)… I was actually roaming around trying to find a small glimpse of a familiar face.. I was successful enough to find 2 people.. an incoming Civil Engineering freshman (Sieg, welcome aboard.. I’m glad to see you..he3..) from my high school (HRSK) and his mom..

and so, as I was doing my rounds and my exploration, a fratman spotted me.. (some frats help in the registration process like other orgs do).. asked me if I was having trouble with the enrollment procedures and even offered help… he spoke simultaneously, leaving no space for me to butt in.. after a couple of sentences (finally) I was able to tell him that I’m not there for enrollment & neither am I a freshie.. I informed him that I’m an incoming junior & realizing his mistake, he just smiled at me (perhaps realizing that we’re about the same year level or so.. just assuming) & slowly walked away… I couldn’t help laughing & the same goes with him.. ( I saw his shoulders shrug as he made once last glance at me & walked away).. btw, he was kinda cute though, specially when he made the last smile (& the glance).. chances of meeting him in the campus again is about 5-10%..hahahaha…

I don’t feel embarrassed that I’m often times mistaken as a freshie or a high school student or even worse, “bata” (child).. in fact, I am pleased to think that I’ll never look old.. (this is the good thing here..) sad part is that people may tend to underestimate me perhaps because of my physical appearance (my height) but then again they would be surprise to find out who I really am.. what I can do.. what I have achieved.. and what future lies ahead of me.. I don’t want to sound so stuck-up here.. It’s just that I usually get the feeling of being misjudged…getting a preconceived notion of my personality that in reality is not true & a complete opposite of who I really am..

Sometimes, mistaken identities are cool.. but often times, they’re not.. well, I guess it’s just a matter of being the kind of person that you really are.. we are the ones creating ourselves.. what other people have to say about that, isn’t important as long as we don’t give a damn!!

*****
Love has its own time, season and it’s own reason. You cannot ask it to stay; you can only embrace it when it’s there and be glad that for a moment in your life, it was yours.
*****

*****
“We had a once in a lifetime
But I just couldn't see until it was gone,
A second once in a lifetime
Maybe too much to ask but
I swear from now on...
If ever you're in my arms again
This time I'll love you much better,
If ever you're in my arms again
This time I'll hold you forever,
This time we'll never end”
-If Ever You’re In My Arms Again (Peabo Bryson)
*****

Posted by ruseMe

want to speak?

*****

You're a Narrative writer!


What kind of writer are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
*****
whoa!!i didn't realize it was morning already.. oops, i did it again!!! i violated again!! i know im kinda ruining my system if go on like this.. i have been sleeping very late (sometimes, i never sleep at all) and then waking up very early.. i sometimes feel tired..or weary but most of the time, i feel strong.. i mean, i'm more active & invigorated.. i know it was wrong.. there will come a time that i have to suffer the consequences of my wrong actions.. i don't want to wait for that time.. i'm trying not to do it again.. i hope it works..

how bout u?! got some extraordinary sleeping habits?!wanna share!?

*****

{ mood } nothing

Posted by ruseMe

want to speak?

What Finding Nemo Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Posted by ruseMe

want to speak?

Congrats! Your a Pure Angel! Angels, as far as most
of them go, are all compatabile creatures, but
Pure ones simply are symbols of God. Pure
Angels always appear when a child is born, when
a rainbow is seen, or when someone shares their
first kiss. They never grow old, an can appear
in the shape of a naked woman with white, bold
wings. Pure angels are the carriers of god, and
show their love to everyone in the world.


What Kind of ANGEL are you? (For Girls only) This Quiz has amazingly Beautiful Pictures!
brought to you by Quizilla




im so in to watching movies lately.. it seems to me that i'm becoming addcited to it.. i have watched 3 movies in a row & i'm not sorry for what i watched!!hahaha.. TROY... THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW.. SHREK 2.. boy, i never felt this good before.. i feel so free & so satisfied with the way my life was goin.. it's really true that in order for me to pick something better, i have to make sure that my hands are not carrying on or clinging on to something.. i'm glad i did let go.. im happy i was able to weigh things & picked the weightier matter.. it was not easy.. but it was worth all the pain..

{ mood } awake

Posted by ruseMe

want to speak?

my life.. my purpose.. my destiny

Angels are intelligent reflections of light, that original light which has no beginning. They can illuminate. They do not need tongues or ears, for they can communicate without speech, in thought.

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